Hi guys! After having my second baby last April I was over the moon with joy! I didn’t think I could ever feel any happier. Unfortunately the feeling didn’t last, for some reason a lot of the time I can’t bring myself to feel… So happy.
I’ve discovered that the baby blues is not all myths, and that it doesn’t only happen to other people, like I had believed. For a long time I had been battling a really scary depression, fortunately last year I was able to control it. But now I kind of feel like its coming back.
With my first baby, I always felt happy, and positive. Even though it was all new to me. It was very exciting, every little thing she did filled me with joy, and pride. No matter what ever happened In life, I always felt like I had the strength to overcome any situation, because I knew I had her.
After I had my second baby I felt like that again… I actually felt better because I actually knew what I was doing. But that high only lasted a few weeks. When he was born he developed jaundice. The doctor said it was normal, and that it happens more often to infants that are being exclusively breast fed. A few weeks after that. He was still the same, on his first month check up, the doctor gave me (what at that moment was a devastating blow) instructions to stop Breastfeeding him for a week. It was horrible to feel that maybe I was making him sick, and that after feeling so proud, and so happy to only breast feed him regardless of how painful, or frustrating It was at times I had to stop. Even though I understood I was not at fault, that was what really started it all.
More often than not I started to notice I was becoming very negative, always defensive, taking people’s advice for criticism which made me feel oh so angry, and really sad. It was almost like a part of my brain was aware, that I was totally over reacting, yet another part felt like a car with no breaks, running at a high speed and about to crash head on.
The feeling of not being able to control those emotions is sometimes even worse, because they make me feel guilty. I mean, I should be very happy. God blessed me with a beautiful, lovely, perfect little boy. And yet, I’m feeling this way?
Although this thing I’ve been going through has nothing on the depression I suffered two years ago. It still scares me sometimes, and I’ve tried to read as much about the baby blues, and full blown post-partum depression. And even though I’m positive it is not depression, it still sucks to feel this way.
It definitely has been though on my marriage, my friendships, and other things, because quite honestly I don’t feel like dealing with a log of things. I don’t feel excited about talking or being around my friends, and it sucks because I love them. I adore my hubby too, but sometimes we fight a lot, about things that in the end don’t really matter at all.
Luckily I understand what I’m going trough, and I’m able to check myself when it’s getting out of hand, I stick to the fact that I can still see, and appreciate everything that makes life beautiful, where as with depression it’s almost impossible to do. I believe this will all go away soon, and I will go back to being my normal self. Thanks for reading, you guys, let me know if anyone is going though the same, what do you do to feel better? I really want to know.
With tons of love,
Curiousmami
curiousmami's Blog 